Did I ever blog about my most inappropriate comment ever?

Darnell, the client from the reindeer post, flirts with me constantly. Well, he used to. I think I got the point across and now he just talks about how he's going to bake me my wedding cake (I helped him enroll in culinary school) or "at least one of my wedding cakes." Back in the day, when he was inappropriate all the time, I really put my foot in my mouth.

Darnell was in my cubicle talking about how pretty I am and what "nice blonde goldilocks hair" I have and how I'm so nice and I'm not going to be a bad wife but a good wife and blah blah blah. Amid his comments and my constant verbal reminders of what is appropriate and what is not I was somehow able to discern that he wanted me to print out some of his resumes and make copies of his California Guard Card (which, by the way, allows him to carry a gun!).

I got up and went to the break room, which also houses THE BIZHUB 2000 (which cost like $20,000 or something nuts) (sorry for all the parentheses). I poured myself some coffee while waiting THE BIZHUB 2000 to do its thing.

When I came back into my cubicle I put the coffee mug down on my desk and handed Darnell the papers. He took his stuff and looked at my coffee mug.

"Don't take no sugar?"

"No."

"No cream at all?"

"Nope, nothing Darnell."

"That's weird. Most ladies like it a little lighter."

"Not me. I like mine strong and black."

Italicized for emphasis, I hope you can tell how much I wished I could shove those words back in as they were spilling out. I immediately started talking about the Lakers (if you ever say something awkward in Los Angeles, this is a good tactic to divert the conversation) and, thankfully, Darnell didn't say a word.

Pardon The Lack of Blogging or Lil' Jon is the Antichrist

I've been applying to jobs and I have no time to blog. But I applied to 2 jobs today at work, so I feel like it's ok for me to take a little break. Today, I'm going to tell you about either Dean or Demonde.

I guess I'll start with Demonde, because Dean is a regular client and I know he'll keep coming in. Demonde is very unstable and could disappear at any moment.

Demonde wears a dirty white bathrobe every day, all day. He has this look in his eyes that suggest he is constantly staring at the mesmerizing pendulum of a grandfather clock located a few inches above eye level. It's disconcerting at first, but when you hear that he speaks only in rhyme it kind of makes sense.

"Today I would like to get a job/but it's not that I need one/ it's for the future I sob/ at the coming of Lil' Jon"

Lil Jon is a big deal with Demonde. I'll get to that in a minute.

When I met him, he told me he was Jesus. Keep in mind, he told me this after he mentioned he "didn't need to take his meds anymore". So he tells me he is Jesus (using slant rhyme liberally I might add because Jesus is a pretty tough rhyme) and he goes on and on about being the messiah for like, 25 minutes. Then he asks me if I believe. I say, "do you mean, do I believe in God?" He said "Yes, God. From which we are all shod!*" and I said "yes I believe in God."

"Well then, you are a believer. You may read the white book, don't let the black one be a deceiver."

I had already seen these books. He brought them in for my co-worker two weeks earlier. (Demonde is not my client, he's just a favorite of mine.) When he brought in these books, he told my co-worker that she could not read the black book, only the white book. The white book is a white binder filled with loose leaf notebook paper. The pages contain scribblings about Jesus and lots of magazine cut-out pictures of Lil Jon. We all wondered a lot about this Lil Jon thing. I got my answer last week.

Demonde was speaking to my co-worker, his case manager, at the time. Thankfully the cubicle walls are thin so I was able to hear pretty much everything. Let me break it down for you.

There are three Machiavellis. The first Machiavelli was not, as you might think, Machiavelli. No, the first Machiavelli was Tupac**. The next Machiavelli was R. Kelly. The third, and final, Machiavelli is Lil Jon. Lil Jon is the anti-christ and on [last Tuesday] Demonde is going to fight him at Venice Beach to bring on the apocalypse. He's going to defeat Lil Jon and walk on top of the Pacific Ocean and when he walks on water the end will come. We're all going to be ok though, because we've read the white book. Please keep in mind that this was all in some semblance of rhyme so it's even crazier than it sounds here because he really had to stretch sometimes. (For example, making "Jon" rhyme with "won".)

I'm going to include a Lil' Jon video so my parents know who he is. I was going to try to find the clean version of this song, but I think it's more effective if I just leave it dirty. Don't freak out. Lil Jon is the gentleman with the dreds, glasses, grill and pimp cup.

* Shod means "furnished or equipped with a shoe" just as an FYI.

** According to Wikipedia, 2pac actually went by "Makaveli" sometimes so that makes this all a little bit less mysterious, but no less crazy.

Dean is another story. Actually, Dean is a series of stories.

Mayumi Scrimpshaw

We don't see too many Asians at [my non-profit]. It's a fact. But the few that we have are loud and weird. Take, for example, Mayumi Scrimpshaw.

First of all her last name, Scrimpshaw, cannot be real. Second of all, she is about 65 and dies her hair a color that can only be described as "mallard foot." Third: she has tattooed eyeliner. Fourth: she only wears denim. Fifth: I lied about her only wearing denim because she always wears leather scrunchies. Scrunchies. Sixth: Despite living in the USA "since when Woodstorcks went," I can barely understand her English. Seventh: She is very racist when it comes to certain ethnicities. Eighth: She is highly homophobic when it comes to men folk. Ninth: She has no filter whatsoever, which explains why her job counselor is so intimately familiar with seven and eight. Tenth: She doesn't wear shoes. I make her put shoes on in my office but she takes them off as soon as she gets to the lobby. If possible, she scowls at me while removing them.

I have a story about her. More soon.

The Scientology Celebrity Center smells terrific. I noticed it on my run this morning. It is like intoxicating tea or something.

I've included a map of the route I run, just for the sake of being boring. I was on the side of the street with the Celebrity Center at the end of my run, so the scent was much appreciated. (THE MAP DOESN'T WORK)

View Larger Map

I walked around Little Tokyo for the first time today, and it's pretty cool. It is also very close to where I work, so I would like to go back and take photos!

I went there to go to their library so I could rent IRON MAN. The library's architecture is very Japanese-y and it has a nice little garden courtyard. PLEASANT.

Tonight I got to hear, firsthand, what Robert Downey Jr. was like in the middle of his addiction. Apparently he used to hang out on Skid Row. I have heard that celebrities sometimes come down to the Row when they are addicted, because they can get what they want and aren't judged/don't have to worry about running into anyone important. I don't know how much I believe it, but I ate the stories up. What fun!

Oscars: Lots of people, helicopters and TMZ vans. Not much to blog about. There was a red carpet after party across the street at The W but I don't care because I'm pretty sure Christoph Waltz wasn't there.

Today: They were filming 24 while I was walking to work. This is a bi-weekly occurrence. I like seeing Kiefer Sutherland (in character) on his cell phone, hiding amidst the crowd. I've never seen 24 but I gather that it's about terrorist threats and Mr. Sutherland does a good job looking on edge. ANYWAY today they were filming and I scuttled out of the shot and went on my way to work.

They were filming outside all day. After we'd closed my co-worker told me there were four gunmen on top of the Hayward (a hotel adjacent to my workplace) and I didn't believe him.

"It's just 24."

"No, it's not. There are cops and crowds of people. And they are evacuating the building."

"It doesn't make sense for them to be evacuating buildings if there are gunmen. It's just 24! They've been out there all day!"

"No, it's not! I heard cops yelling at people when I was out getting my burrito. They blocked off 6th and Spring."

At this point I decided it would be good to prove that it was just 24. I waltzed outside and was immediately yelled at by an LAPD officer. "Get back inside! Now!"

Turns out, there really were 4 gunmen* on top of the Hayward!

*Turns out, again, these gunmen were kids with airsoft rifles. But, when I went outside, the cops didn't know that.

I still don't understand why, if they really thought there were gunmen, they were evacuating the building. It was all over KTLA and stuff, too, so I know that at one point it was considered a real threat.